Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
pep talk
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account