@JackieluvsUK: Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they're already in tiny little bags!
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@EndhooS: [Calls boss] I'm gonna be late... "How late?" *Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego* I've no idea to be honest with you...
@CroweJam: Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
@_Ms_Moneypenny_: Reasons he didn't text you: - He forgot. - He fell asleep. - His phone died. - His pet died. - His GF died. - He died. - He thinks you died.