Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.