@OhNoSheTwitnt: Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word "bae" so teens stop thinking it's cool and it goes away forever.
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@novicefather: This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.
@Donnie_Fairburn: [trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine] vending machine: i have a boyfriend
@Nickadoo: I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I'd need to do is kill the boss.