@OhNoSheTwitnt: Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word "bae" so teens stop thinking it's cool and it goes away forever.
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@Reverend_Scott: [Adam and Eve in bed] Adam, am I really the only girl for you? GOD EVE, YOU'RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
@LifeUnPinterest: Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler's footie jammies and am comforted to know she'll do well in prison.
@Darlainky: [liquor store] Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring. Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection* Him: Oh, it's you.
@caseytduncan: I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would've enjoyed it.