Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Milk Cube
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”