Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.