Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
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Cats are still liquid.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!