I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.