gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Sharon, call the vet
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.