good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Wasps: bees, but not helping
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?