good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.