If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”