good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Always the camel, never the toe.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?