Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
the council will decide your fate
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste