@AbbyHasIssues: Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@SortaBad: No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

@Token_Geezer: There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect

@Sassafrantz: Becky on FB is "too blessed to be stressed" so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.

@BadAssB48546279: Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don't trust ChristianMingle.