GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50