GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Current mood: Potato
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“what that mouth do?” complain