Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Welcome
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?