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@SomthinBoutSara: Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
@The_GetawayGirl: i'm not in a weird mood this is who i am.
@david8hughes: [phone rings]
"Is your refrigerator running?"
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
"I don't know what he's doing anymore."
@dafloydsta: ME: I assume you don't want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
@sweet_pea707: Me: Siri, how do I look?
Siri: Well, at least you tried
@PhilJamesson: Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]