GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.