GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
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I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*