Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.