Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions