Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier