Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
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When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot