Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.