Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
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Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
How did we not see this back then?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
me: my friends:
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*