Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
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My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
meanwhile over on facebook
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO