The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
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ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Two types of dogs.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”