Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does