Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The Backseat Boys
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”