Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
🙂🙃🥹
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind