Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this