GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”