GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies