I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
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Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.