Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Lmao
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Milk Cube
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*