Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.