Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.