GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
This was the best day of my life
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.