Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
It’s a gift
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*