Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.