good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son