good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.