This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.