“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Dune (2021)
oh shit
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Time for evil
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator