Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand