Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
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Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.