my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever