@KKAlThani: "Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?" - how waiters should greet people
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@jake_lach: When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.
@SondraDeeMe: I'm sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
@Beerhaze: She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
@tuckerflodman: *Mom makes me take out the garbage* *Garbage and I begin to date* *I start taking things too fast* *Garbage dumps me*