@KKAlThani: "Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?" - how waiters should greet people
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@batkaren: Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember-- oh wait no that's a Cheeto.
@peterjames48: We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, "Good for him."
@AndrewChamings: [having sex] this is the best sex I've ever had her: ok let's take your bike helmet off tho