@KKAlThani: "Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?" - how waiters should greet people
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@AntozWolf: They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
@truegritrumble: ME: *as a surgeon* What's the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over...Where are you going?
@ValeeGrrl: Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I'm comin down with something Me: lol ok whatever Kid: *tiny cough* Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA