Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Does your wife know you’re single?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*