@calluptome: Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we're in jail.
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@TitansHomer: [High School Reunion] Him: I started my own Law Firm last year Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
@IamEnidColeslaw: trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
@mrtruthandsoul: *breaks out of prison *hunted by police for weeks *crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house* Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
@TheTweetOfGod: Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it's the most important meal.