Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”